Discover me, Discover you ...

I want to follow the foot prints across my lover's stomach
I want to call out her name before I plummet
I wish I had a map of the terrain, so I could step around the landmines
Avoid the beasts under the bed that breathe they bad times
I want to find these here so called treasures
The pleasures
The trinkets, the never ending weekends
Acknowledgin­g that I'm still just a piece of the sequence
But seeing these different foot prints has got me needing to show my weakness
The timelines, the time zonesI cross them with my eyes closed
Memorize the landmarks and learn the cycles
The weather patterns, how the seasons effect, the east and west of each region; learn the cycles
Forget about the fact that
Many trails have been tract
Maybe it's a plus that there's path
If this was some uncharted land
I'd have to be a smarter man
Willing to travel the farthest
To unravel the harvest
The natural recourses are unlimited
Exploration­ only requires some desire and initiative
Take your time to find the right way to climb
It ain't safe to play games with natures mind

I want to ride a train up my lovers arm
Stop off at the brain to hop out and find out what's going on
Cut through trees and ride through rocks
And synchronize the universal sundial to my watch
I've seen a lotBut not quite as much as her
To top it off the memory and the imagination blurred
But I know she's been put through hell, I can feel it
And I know she's touched heaven as well, trying to steal it
It came on, and it taught her a song
And it strung her along, and it caught her, when the guard was gone
Now till the break of dawn
She's trying to fill that fix
And all the family and friends are trying to seal them lips
But I ain't dumb
I can hear that train come from miles away, setting obstacles to stop the arrival
I'm going to blow up that iron and wood road
From would I understood those be the core of its survival
My recital... another tantrum
Because she is highly excitable, swinging arms a random
No happy endings, always off to a bad start
Addictive... voyeuristic to the tract marks
So embrace this journey...

Discover me,Discover you........~!

My secret Garden

Thou shall be pardon …
Only shall thy see the reflection of one’s eye.

Seeing is believeing, many will say.
But some things are best left unseen;
Whatmore, of its known undiscovered territory that is not in any favour to be shown or exposed.
Uncovered.

Was this meant to be.
Or was this just an excuse to blame it on the past for the past has its vicious claws waiting to spraw its way out of its burial.

The picture has become abit faded; in my thoughts.
Am I a form of his vital catalyst to accelerate a reaction as a form of blockage to diminish his pain.
That hurts.

As much as I disregard my feelings …
It seems like I have a spare storage that saves and locks the real thing.
And its only meant for feelable.
No deletes. No erase. And no talks about it.

My heart contents all sorts of incidents, experiences, accidents, fatal misfortunes that desires not to be shared nor to be revealed but only on secret felt.

Don’t ask me why.
Coz, I don’t know it myself.
It’s not a secret.
Honestly!
It’s just that it does not want to opened.
For the pain was already brutal.
Discussion its flaws will only cause full blown embarassment and talk abouts for others – for hear say, hear say.

I rather locked it in and find my own way of opening it up.
Not for anyone’s perusal, and not to be judged.
Just for me to vision it from my secret garden.

Tell me ...

Tell me something for a change …
Tell me a story that will please my listening ears.
Tell me tale that calm the fears in my heart.
Tell me about a picture that’s already painted in your head.
Tell me about a note you last read.
Tell me about anything to keep my mind off….. wondering.
Tell me … just tell me anything that you want to say.

French Connexion

There’s so much that I can say what I have said;
How I feel, what I feel and why I feel it.
Do you understand all that I’ve said …
Maybe … maybe not.

I am speechless when it comes to express matters of heart
Not that I can’t find words to describe it.
I just don’t how I should say it.
To find an exact, precise words to profoundly express the contents of my heart.
I am speechless.
But I can say the word ‘I love you’.
That L word alone; in my thoughts of dictionary is not just a word on the surface.
If you register all that I have done for you …
Would you have doubted any of my actions against my feelings?

To express feelings in words
Is like sliding a bread knife on my throat.
Why that?
Simple;
I don’t know if what you are about to hear;
Is what you want to hear.

I don’t want to frighten you.
Nor do I want you to ridicule me.
I don’t want you to misunderstood my intention.
Nor do I want you to succumb into the unknown.
Above all of this, I don’t know if you are feeling the same way as I do.
That’s why, words can deny.
But my actions, don’t.

Do you not read my expression …
Through my action

Yes, we all;
At a due point of time, need to hear what the heart and the ears want to hear.
What the heart and ears want to feel.
Coz, once you’ve said what your feelings desires to be heard
There is no taking it back.

And those words said, is now printed and emboshed in the memory chip called the brain.
And we remember;
Words Of Love
Words Of Wisdom
Words Of Advise
Words Of Hurt
Words Of Torment
Words just to justify how you and I or any living being are feeling …
Let alone the action.

I think I have not made myself clear from the beginning.
I said what I have said with no intention of hurt.

What I meant to say;
I want to stay to know you better
I am afraid of being in love.
I’m no queen of love nor am I a master of hurt.

I love you much to sustain this relationship we have.
The more I get to know you.
The more I grow fond of you.

I see you as an individual.
You are no victim of my past.
Neither are you an object to take up the space in my heart.

I see you as a person with quality.
Not a quantity.
I see your intention with sincerity
Not with a passing remark.
Your sense Of humour
Lighten the great heights of my sorrow.
Your laughter
Washes away the burden of pain.
Your wisdom and your knowledge
Widens the horizon of my thoughts.
Your kindness …
Is unmeasurable.
Your thoughfulness
Is undeniable.

I feel, I have been misunderstood.
I feel, I have been victimised.
I feel, I have been labelled.
I feel, I have no place in your heart.
I feel, I am just a passing being that’s yet to leave a trace behind.
Not by choice, but due to circumstances that has once left a huge impact in your heart right up to your head.
That hurt remains chained around your thumping heart.
Memories repeatedly playing in your thoughts.
Maybe your heart still desires the sweetness of your past.
Maybe at the back of your head there is still a slightest hope of reconcile.

Do I stand a chance to be the person probably you might want to be with in the future.
Do you see if you and I together, planing a life ahead after
Is there any possibility of ‘us’ or do you by any close proximity see me as the person whom you are seeing.
Do you?

PRAYER

I woke up this morning and said 2 prayers. Chris is not religious.... However I felt the need to. First prayer was for myself. To have strength to face today's second review. I am happy to announce to the world I am a full fledged Purser now. Yipeeeeee..... I am waiting to get some days off and I am going to buy my first 10% Business Class ticket and go somewhere. Anywhere! Hooray!!!

Second prayer was for a little soul that never had a chance to be formed. Her sms greeted me...."It's done". Got out of bed with a heavy heart. I pray the little soul is in heaven now. May this little soul have eternal happiness with God. If reincarnation exist, I hope the next life will be better.

Chinese believes that life starts in the mother's womb. Does the little soul know what was coming at the start of the whole process? Does the little soul have any feeling? My personal happiness is marred by these morbid thoughts that cloud my mind.

I just want to say to this little soul whom I would have loved to meet had the circumstances been different.... Please do not blame your mummy....Right up to actually doing the abortion, she was still changing her mind. She really wanted to keep you had the circumstances been different. She has a little picture of you as a little lump in her womb. She even thought of and imagined what you would have looked like. We both agreed you would have been one cute pan-asian baby. She will always remember you. So will I.

While I mourn at this lost of not having a chance to actually meet you, I do understand why things have to be this way. The real world is a harsh one where we have to make decision based on practical reasons. You will understand one day. I hope. Please forgive her for her decision. You have been and will always be loved and remembered.

I can only pray that you are now in the warm embrace of God now that you have left mummy's womb. Aunty Christine will always remember you in her prayers. Kisses...

Posted by Chris at 5:53 PM

POSITIVE

Heart thumping, I waited for her outside the toilet. After what felt like an eternity, she emerged. She looked at me and said only one word. "Positive". Though this was a possibility we considered before she went in, the confirmation of reality still sucks. The Clear blue test kit had a clear blue positive sign.

She had a talk with him to break the news. After another eternity, she came to me and said,"I am aborting." The floodgates of my tears ducts suddenly burst opened. She just sat there quiet. No tears. Expressionless. Seemingly waiting for me to regain my composure. Tons of Kleenex, lotsa sniffing and a set of puffy eyes later, my rational self kicked in. Where? When? She didn't want her friends or family back home to know. Hence, I gave her a name of my trusted friend in Singapore who could help make arrangements.

2 phone calls and more crying (from me) later, everything is set. I am sorry I cannot be there to hold your hands. I had to delegate this responsibility to my dear friend who will go with you.
She is on the pills. It is almost 100%. Almost. She is the living proof of the word "almost". I cannot imagine what she is going through right now and secretly I hope I will never have to. To make the decision to kill your own child must be the hardest thing for any woman. Can't speak for the man. Coz his first reaction when she told him about it was,"We cannot afford the baby now. It is not the right time." Well at least he didn't say,"It's not mine." As someone told me a few months ago about her friend's plight.

I have a lot of things I want to say about him. I am piss off that she still went to see him after leaving my house. I have a long list of names I want to call him. I have in mind a few things that I want to throw at him to cause irreparable damage. However, I am keeping my mouth shut. For now.

Coz she has not cried. She has not said much though we spent the whole day together. I have never seen her face so void of emotion. She is lost in her own world. I believe that while love is blind, friendship closes its eyes. Now is simply not the time to give her my two cents worth. It is also not the time to analyse his character flaws. The only thing to do now is do what needs to be done and help her recover physically and emotionally before doing any post mortem.

Hence I can only sit here and think. It takes two people to make that baby. One relinquished all responsibilities with words and walk away relatively unscathed. How unfair. Would Eve had eaten the apple if she knew that generations of women have to go through this with heartless man? Another is left to deal with everything. Literally. What is the magnitude of the pain that is the result of the combination of the physical, mental and emotional wounds? Maybe the only way to deal with it is to shut down coz honestly no one should need to deal with this. Especially since it is in a way betrayal. A mockery of love and time shared. Guess that's why she was so quiet.
This irresponsible attitude is "understandable" if it was a one night stand. However it was a relationship and relationship comes with responsibilities. Will one ever be truly be prepared to have a child? Or would the strength of the love between two people be enough for them to hold hands and say to each other "we can do it"? Coz he would not want to put her through the trauma? Coz he loves her enough to face a living proof of their love and passion?

I have many opinions and many questions that I want her to think about. It is time for me to be a less accepting friend and be harsh. "Ignorance is the night of the mind, a night without moon or star." (Confucius). I cannot allow her to ignore the many glaring facts anymore and live in oblivion. Things already happened. One just has to carry on with life and learn from the mistakes. The nonchalant attitude he has towards another helpless life should be noted and his character put under the magnifying glass and examined. What kind of future do you expect with a man like this? Seriously.

I am really bad at my choices at man. My only saving grace in life is that I am always true to myself and often very harsh and accepts the reality of things. It helps that I have 3 friends who I know will spare me nothing to ensure that I hear the truth. The voice that I try to ignore from the bottom of my heart. Perhaps it is time for me to change the way I handle friendship. Maybe one really needs to be cruel to be kind. I hope she sees this when I decide to speak my mind. I can only hope.

Perhaps he might suddenly change his mind and ask her to marry him or be a man about it and have another solution. Perhaps this is all a bad dream and I am gonna wake up and it will all vanish. Perhaps I am just being overly positive. I leave u with a quote to think about from Samuel Johnson...Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise. Perhaps it is time now to take the concept of love out of this whole equation and look at the situation objectively.

Posted by Chris at 1:00 PM

So I thot ...

So?
You think you're the only one who's hurting.
You think the world came down crashing on you,
when all that you believed in crumpled and fall.

Just that one heartache, many ... you made them pay for your hurt and failure.
Who am I to judge?
But my dear one,
There's many that went through worst turmoil, that many of us know not of.

What's one heartache compared to millions mistake after mistake,
just one of the many millions are involved and sucked up into faults and regrets.
But still, that one couraged to fall in love again.

Times we learn
Times we just chose to ignore,
and dive in the same old mistake; only that- it's wif a different other.

Don't let past be a failure
Don't let present distrupt the future

What we have now
It's a choice to make it better or worst
Punish not your current one
You don't wish to be her or his victim of their past
So ... don't let it happen.

What good does it do to you,
to make them suffer ...
In return unconsciously, you are too ...

It's unfortunate that one don't see their own reflections, do we?
LOL ... i'll be lying if i said no.

Love is an understatement.
So I thot.

The Unborn

Four weeks old - No soul but living.
This innocent is paying for the price, tagged ABORT, by this person who is carrying this unborn.

Why?
Not to say she can't afford keeping it alive.
Why?
Not to say she can't bring this living; to the face of this earth.
WHY???
Becoz, she thinks; it is not a consolation price of what she did with the other, to keep it.

Heart is aching.
Mind so disturbing.
Feel so faintish ....
Coz, for the first time i never thought it will be.
Her heart is so numb to feel the pain of the unborn.

Her conscious is close.
But, her guilt is taunting.
She tells no one, but just to her confidante.

When the sunrises tomorrow, by noon she hopes to wake up in a peace of mind.
She hopes.
But I believe - the pain of that planted, lives on.
Only that, the unborn is no longer part of her growth.

I cry.
Silently.

A price of someone else's

I donno where to begin or even how it all started.
How is it, that your past is the price of the mistake that i'm paying.

C'mon ... All of us, literally ALL human beings that is living in this life goes through rough patches in life.
Despite of all ages, all races, nationalities, different believers ... enthics, tribes .... you name it ...

There's none in this world who is not or never expose to troubles, hurt or pain.

HURT or pain .... whether it's physical, mentally, spiritually, verbally, action or whatsoever.
I had my share ...
I paid my dues and maybe still paying for it, unconsciously.

Just becoz of ONE heartache, the rest that comes along, pays for what you've been through.
Shall we lay our contraries and make a comparison ....
I can bet, just me alone your stake is nothing close to mine.

I don't believe in whose past in more painful than whose.
There's no way in this world is there an instrument to measure one's level of pain that anyone goes through.
Every individual on this face of earth has a different tempo in facing difficulties ... Some takes matters lightly, some calm, some in panic frantic behaviour and some maybe kill themselves for it.

Every problem has a different degree in measurement.
Some accepts difficulties better through experiences,
Some ends up in a psychiatrist office.
Who am i judge?

So, why don't you just take a chill pill, and set your differences aside.
And take your past with a pinch of a salt.

If you believe in being the person who you are today.
Leave the innocent out and just be happy being on your own.
And bother not.

Change ...

11 months ago, I made a decision to leave this place that I call home for a better living. So I thought. As I am writing now ... I am just right here at my favourite spot, writing about my change.

Back in this comfort spot where I used to enjoy every moment of it, only after a year and half being in this place, contributed 80% of my tears evaporated to the atmosphere, I found my spot. Thanks to my dearest friend. Eversince she left things got abit drastic ...

Everyone that I know, is leaving or has left ... one after the other ...
Why? Coz there were better opportunity awaits them ...
Why? Becoz ... they know this is only temp.
Why? Their life is wait to progress ... to grow ... to fullfill their other intention ....

I have moved 5 times in a year ...
Changed job, thrice in less than a year ...

Eversince, I left my other job that I thought it's what I want ...
I lost my stability ...
Stability in life, in finance, in making decision what I want for myself.
Wanting what I WANT.

I can't even make a decision if I want to eat for today ...
To choose where to live ...
To purchase a colour for my curtain that would suit my apartment.

I wasted heaps of money for being indecisive.
Paying for mistake, choices on impulsive wanting ...

How would I or how can I recover my losses ....
I want my stability back ...
Not wanting what I had but wanting what I can for a better living

Being optimistic is in my clause.
Looks like it has vanish into the tiny air, I call atmosphere.
Can I be helped?
Do I need help?
I donno about that ...

What's becoming of me?
I have no conscious to fight ...
I have no feeling of what's right ...
What should I do ...
I can't even hear my voice no more

It's time for a change ...
So I said .... just like everyday, I tell my myself it's gonna be alright ...
Has it?